Men Working To End Men's Violence Against Women

The path starts with listening.

Who knows better about violence against women than women who experience it? A huge study released by Statistics Canada in 1993 tells us that one in two Canadian women has experienced physical or sexual violence-- violence that falls into our criminal code. In addition, many women experience sexual harassment at work or at school.

Learn about violence by asking a woman who trusts you how violence has affected her life. Don't insist that she tell you. After all, according to the same study, 22% of women haven't told anyone about that violent experience.

Ask your wife or girlfriend, your sister or mother, or a friend. Then sit back and listen. Your role isn't to challenge her on the details, nor to debate whether something really should have bothered her or not. It is to listen. Simply trust that if she tells you something hurt her, then it did hurt her.

And listen to women's groups such as your local rape crisis centre, women's shelter, or workplace women's committee. They have a wealth of accumulated experience and knowledge. Talk to them. Read their publications. Find out about their work. Contribute financially to them. Learn from them.

Violence against women can be physical and sexual assault, sexual harassment, psychological abuse, or emotional abuse. Not all violence leaves visible scars. Emotional violence includes regular subjection to demeaning jokes, domineering forms of behaviour, and sexual harassment.

Some forms of violence have a greater physical or emotional impact than others. But all forms of violence contribute to the very real fear and suffering that women in our society endure. Three out of four women in your neighbourhood fear using public transport after dark; only two in five feel safe walking in their own neighbourhood after dark. Basic rights that men enjoy are the source of fear for the majority of Canadian women.

The fear, though, is greatest in women's own homes. A common myth is that most violence against women is committed by strangers. In fact, women are most at risk from men they know--husbands, boyfriends, fathers, relatives, employers, and care givers.

Most men love and care about women. And yet almost one in three women (29%) who have been married or lived in a common-law relationship have experienced criminal violence at the hands of their male partners. Every seven minutes a sexual assault is committed in Canada; 90% of the victims are women.

Violence against women occurs in every region of Canada, among the rich, the poor, and the middle class, and among those of every nationality, religion, and race. It is a problem for us all.

(All statistics from Statistics Canada, "The Violence Against Women Survey," The Daily, Nov. 18, 1993, except this reference to sexual assault which is from House of Commons, "The War Against Women," Ottawa, 1991.)

Men are not naturally violent. There have been societies with little or no violence. Studies over the past century have found that half of the tribal societies studied had little or no violence against women, against children, or among men.

Furthermore, even today, the majority of men are never or are rarely physically violent. Levels of violence vary greatly from country to country.

Some men learn to be violent. Men's violence is a result of the way many men learn to express their masculinity in relationships with women, children, and other men. Many men learn to think of power as the ability to dominate and control the people and the world around them. Although the majority of men are not physically violent, this way of thinking makes the use of violence seem acceptable to many.

Most individual acts of men's violence are a pathetic attempt to assert control over women, children, or other men. Paradoxically, most violent acts by men are a sign of weakness, insecurity, and lack of self-esteem combined with a capacity for physical or verbal domination and a feeling that they should be superior and in control.

Women are not immune from committing acts of violence. Women's groups have spoken out against the problem of violence against children, which is committed by both women and men, although most sexual abuse of children is by men. Women too can be violent against men or other women, but it is far less common than violence by men.

In 40% of violent incidents, men have been drinking alcohol. The figure is even higher when the violence was by a man the woman knows. This might be because alcohol unleashes feelings, fears, rage, and insecurities that some men, cut off from their feelings, cannot handle.

Alcohol doesn't cause violence. Genes don't cause violence. Ultimately, it is the attempts by some men to dominate women, other men or groups of men, and adults' attempts to dominate children that are the reasons for most of the violence that surrounds us. Violence is a way of asserting power, privilege, and control.

Change will only happen if we each accept personal responsibility to make sure it happens. This means that as men who care about the women in our lives, we will take responsibility to help make sure women live in a country free from fear and violence.

Wearing a white ribbon during White Ribbon Week is your personal pledge never to commit violence against women. It is a personal pledge not to condone acts of violence, not to make excuses for perpetrators of violence, and not to think that any woman "asks for it."

It is a pledge not to remain silent. It is a pledge to challenge the men around us to act to end violence.

Wearing a ribbon provokes discussion, debate, and soul-searching among the men around us. The White Ribbon is a catalyst for discussion. It is a catalyst for change.

"It was only a joke....Can't you take a joke?"

Sexist jokes and language help create a climate where forms of violence and abuse have too long been accepted. Jokes or comments that degrade women aren't neutral, for they reflect the reality of a society that has historically placed women in a second class position. By reflecting this reality they once again put women "in their place" even if that isn't the intention.

One of the most difficult things for men who oppose violence against women is to learn to challenge other men. To challenge men to drop sexist language from their vocabulary. To challenge men who talk lightly of violence against women. And to challenge men who engage in violence.

Sexual harassment refers to unwanted sexual advances or to sexually-oriented remarks or behaviour that are unwelcome by another person. Sexual harassment poisons the environment. Generally speaking, no one form of behaviour is always sexually harassing-- the key word is "unwanted." Flirting, a sexual reference, an erotic picture, a joke may be perfectly fine if it is consensual and wanted.

Harassment is ultimately about inequalities of power. The same action done by a woman might not bother a man because, in general, our society has not given women power over men at the workplace, the school, or in the community.

Some provinces and many workplaces now have harassment codes or refer to harassment in their human rights codes. Under these rules, we are expected to know about what forms of behaviour constitute sexual or racial harassment. Like any laws, ignorance of the rules is no excuse.

Men can join women in opposing sexual harassment by supporting efforts in our workplaces and schools to do training to create a healthy and productive environment.

Across Canada dedicated women have worked to develop support services for women who are survivors of men's violence. They have set up shelters for battered women, rape crisis centres, transition houses, and drop-in centres--women escaping violent situations depend on these services.

These and other women's organizations deserve men's support and our financial backing. That's why we encourage local White Ribbon campaigns to raise money for local women's programs.

If you've ever been physically violent against a woman, if you've committed sexual assault, if you've hit, pushed, threatened, kicked your spouse or girlfriend, then you are part of the problem. One in ten women in Canada have experienced this kind of violence from men in the past year.

If this happened long ago admit what you did was wrong and make amends if possible. But if your violent behaviour has any chance of continuing in the future, then you urgently need to get help getting to the root of your problem. Don't wait until it happens again. Please act today.

The majority of men aren't physically violent. But let's all examine ways we might try to control women. Do we dominate conversations? Do we crowd into their space? Do we put them down?

All men are not responsible for committing acts of violence. But all men must take responsibility for ending all forms of violence.

Ending violence against women won't happen over-night. Real solutions are truly long-term solutions. This is because men's violence against women is rooted in inequalities between men and women, and in the way men learn to be men.

Legal changes to combat men's violence against women (such as Canada's law on rape--that "no means no" and that it takes a "yes" to mean yes) are very important.

But laws are not enough. Let's work together to change our attitudes and behaviour. Let's challenge the institutions which perpetuate inequality between women and men.

Let's help men be better men by getting rid of our suits of armour, that is, attitudes which equate masculinity with the power to control. Let's make positive changes in our relationships with women, children, and other men.

Changes in attitude, behaviour, and institutions take time. And so we must look at how we raise future generations. We must teach our children, by example, that all forms of violence are unacceptable, and that for boys to become men, they do not need to control or dominate either women, men, or children.

The White Ribbon Campaign (WRC) is the largest effort in the world of men working to end men's violence against women. Inspired by the Canadian women's movement, the WRC has in turn inspired men in other countries to start similar efforts. The WRC is a registered charitable organization. It is a grass-roots effort with donated office space and donated equipment. We rely mainly on volunteers in our central office and in communities across Canada. Because the purpose of the campaign is for men to take responsibility for working to end violence against women, it is an organization of men. But we greatly appreciate the help and support of women in many communities in getting local campaigns off the ground.

In addition to organizing White Ribbon Week, local supporters do other things during the year:

• Give talks in schools.

• Raise money for women's groups and for the educational work of the WRC.

• Organize events around Father's Day to support positive roles for men and the importance of men being care givers and nurturers.

• Organize Valentines Day dances to raise money and spread a message about building healthy relationships.

We encourage you to write or to call us today to receive information on starting up a White Ribbon effort in your community, school, workplace, or place of worship.

Because we have never received government funding, 100% of our budget has been made up of contributions from individuals as well as trade unions, companies, places of worship and professional associations. Please give your financial support to the work of the White Ribbon Campaign.

Please don't hesitate. Contact us today.

The White Ribbon Campaign
 Men Working To End Men's Violence Against Women

365 Bloor Street East, Suite 1600, Toronto, Ontario   M4W 3L4
Phone: (416) 920-6684  or  1-800-328-2228
FAX: (416) 920-1678        E-Mail: whiterib@idirect.com