Peace Offerings!

The following topics are discussed in greater detail in: "The ABC's of Men Who Batter":

• Abused as children: Most batterers were beaten, verbally abused, or sexually abused as children.
  
• Believe in Traditional Sex Roles: Batterers hold to traditional sex roles (i.e.; macho men, subservient women).
  
• Controlling: Battering is purposefully controlling behavior by someone who wants total control.
  
• Deny, minimize, and blame: A batterer does not want to be responsible for his violent actions or for the harm he causes. Abusive men learn to deny wrongdoing, minimize injury, and blame others.
  
• Emotionally abusive: Battering is not limited to physical abuse.
  
• Feel powerless: Batterers are actually frightened men who are afraid to be alone in the world.
  
• Grew up with violence: Batterers learned early on that they could gain control and get power by throwing things or by raising their voice.
  
• Have a negative belief system about women: Batterers lump "all women" together and do not see women as individuals.
  
• Insecure: Abusive men have a deeply rooted fear that they are inadequate.
  
• Jealous: Batterers tend to be extremely jealous and have difficulty trusting others.
  
• Kill or torture what they cannot possess: In the worst cases, battering involves extreme physical or mental cruelty.
  
• Lack relationship skills: Men who batter have had very poor role models for important relationship skils such as problem solving, conflict resolution, and establishing intimacy with a partner.
  
• Master manipulators: A batterer is someone who knows exactly how to make his partner feel sorry for him.
  
• Not able to nurture: Batterers have difficulty giving and receiving love.
  
• Overly dependent on their spouses: Batterers become overly dependent on their spouses for their unmet emotional needs.
  
• Prior history of violence: A batterer may have a history of being "moody" or having a "hot temper".
  
• Quickly change from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde: Batterers can be extremely passive and very charming one minute and explode in anger the next.
  
• Regard spouses as easy targets: Most batterers would not think of doing to other men what they do to their spouses.
  
• Self-centered: Batterers lack consideration for others.
  
• Try to punish and control with subtle forms of abuse: Batterers often use subtle forms of abuse to punish, humiliate, and control their partners.
  
• Unable to identify or express their feelings directly: Men who batter are unable to differentiate between their feelings, and they do not have a vocabulary to express their emotions.
  
• Vary by type: Men who batter vary by type: "The Good", "The Bad", and "The Ugly", depending on their patterns and form of abuse. (Gondolf, 1989)
  
• Will get what they want through physical violence: Batterers tell us that their violence is a convenient tool to get what they want and to make things go the way they want.
  
• Xenophobic: A batterer is someone who fears, distrusts, and dislikes that which is foreign to him.
  
• You must follow his orders---or else: No matter what his mate does, a batterer is never satisfied.
  
• Zero in on spouses' vulnerabilities: Men who batter often betray the trust of their spouses and break their confidences.

Printed copies of this booklet in its entirety may be obtained from the author.

For Further Information or to place an order, please Contact:

Peace Offerings!
Barbara A. Corry, M.A., Founder
P.O.Box 1172
Alhambra, CA USA 91802-1172
626-576-5610

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